Photo by Paco CT
Carol Burnett, the award-winning American actress once said “When you have a dream you’ve got to grab it and never let go.”
Our LIP dreams, hopes and aspirations can be fragile, don’t you think? They need to be carefully protected against “attacks” from various people, including friends and family who only have your best intentions at heart.
In fact some of the most unhelpful, confidence-sapping comments come from those closest to you. Having been on the receiving end of some of these myself over the past year, two questions have been nagging me recently.
The first, is “Why?”
Why is there this need to burst my location independent bubble? It’s not as if I have this wild and desperate dream to build a teleporting device with three satsumas and a string of liquorice.
Secondly, “What can I do to protect myself emotionally from these comments?”
The answer to my first question came to me when I worked out that as I described my dreams and plans of becoming location independent to my friends and family, they were imagining themselves to be doing the same and then projecting their own fears onto me, the most common of which include the following:
- Fear that my job or career prospects will evaporate.
- Fear for my safety.
- Fear that I will run out of money and I will need bailing out.
- Fear of the unknown.
- Fear that my nomadic lifestyle will have serious repercussions from which I will struggle to recover.
- Fear that I don’t have the skills or contacts to survive outside a corporate environment.
- Fear that they will miss you and feel alone.
- Fear that they won’t be able to cope if things don’t turn out the way they want.
What emanates from these fears is a need for them to gain control and create some certainty. They do this either by trying to create doubt in your mind – in the hope that you’ll think twice about your decision; or they pester you endlessly for information to help cure their fear of the unknown.
Either way it can become very frustrating and tiring unless you know how to protect your location independent dreams. Here are a few tips to do that….
Research and Plan
Nothing will fuel the fires of doubt of your loved ones more than an endless succession of “Er…I’m not sure.” or “We haven’t worked that out yet” in response to their questions. There will be things you can’t know until you get somewhere – but do as much research as you can and make a plan based on the hard facts you can find out. Armed with a well researched plan you’ll be safe in the knowledge that you can answer any difficult questions, which will build your confidence.
Planning for the worst aka Fearcasting
Knowing that you are equipped to handle all the worst case scenarios in your own head will help create a buffer between yourself and those who will always fear the worst. Again it’s the hard facts and your own certainty that will help quell those “But, what ifs”.
Communicate effectively
So much misunderstanding and tension are created through poor communication. Effective communication doesn’t necessarily mean winning the argument. I think you need to be clear on what you want the outcome of the communication to be and once you know this, it’s easier to adjust your communication according to the responses you’re getting. A good rule of thumb to remember is this:
What you want to say is generally less important than what you want the other person to hear, think, feel and do as a result.
There are two other factors for you to consider when you want to communicate your dreams effectively:
Emotional State – Before you start a conversation or an email make sure that you and the person you’re communicating with are in resourceful enough state to understand each other. If you’re both lost in your own heads thinking of other things, it’s unlikely that you’ll hear each other.
Relationship – If there’s already tension in the relationship today then consider talking about your dreams after the issue has been resolved.
Ultimately, there will always be someone who scoffs at the idea of a location independent, modern nomad lifestyle…that’s inevitable. I believe what is important is that you take full responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions and let go of trying to control or change those belonging to your friends and family.
If you have any tips on how protect yourself against judgements, unhelpful comments or criticisms let us know!
I am in the process of setting up the expectation that this will happen in the future. This allows those who love me to communicate their concerns before I begin the travel, and allows me to alleviate their worries. At the same time, their richness in questioning allows me to consider other things that I might not have originally taken into account. My only question: How long you need to prepare them for this prior to actually leaving?
This is something that I have been going through recently myself and it has been quite alienating.
Despite having wonderful friends, one thing that I have come to realise is that change can be threatening to people. When one expresses that they are actively changing and attempting to do something different, that can, inadvertantly, push buttons in other people. Sometimes, people find it a challenge to relate to a person who is becoming different from the person that they are accustomed to.
One of the things that I have done for myself is to recognise that some of my friends, for whatever reason(s), may not currently be in the position to be supportive of my plans and ideas. When one is embarking on trying something new, it is so important that they are able to protect that initial ember of inspiration and enthusiasm so that it can fuel the change that they are trying to enact. Hence, a strategy that I’ve been using is to keep my ideas to myself until they are more fully formed and I am also actively putting my plans into practice.
Another thing that I do is to try to find other people, like myself, who are trying or doing something different and bat my ideas around with them. In this way, I am able to get valuable feedback about areas that I may not have previously considered, but it will be done in a supportive way.
Thanks for this article and keep on truckin’!
I have lived overseas for most of my adult life. My family rarely travel and only go away on short trips. I don’t think anyone understands why I like traveling and living the way I do. I know my family want me to stay at home, settle down and get married. Problem is I get bored after just a few weeks.
Thanks for this entry. It puts into words what I went through when I left home to live overseas.
You really need to stop being so sensitive. It is your dream not their’s.
I remember Leah posting a while ago about how her Nan was really supportive of her desire to travel. She had the same fears as other relatives but understood that dreams are there to be followed.
When we moved to America plenty of people told us we were mad.We didn’t waste our energy trying to reassure them and if we had we may not have left. What a mistake that would have been.
If people around you are negative, just ignore them, they are dull and you are bright. Shine on!
Often it is also jealousy that is projected from family and friends because they themselves won’t dare stepping out of their comfort zone to travel or move locations.
They are also scared form you in the name of love and in some ways I understand them. However when my husband and I announced we were going on a world trip 14 years ago there were plenty of negative voices.
We didn’t care since it was our dream and we had worked hard to live it. Once we got back the whole situation was reverted and most of the previous nay sayers were now all in favor of us having done this.
Then when we migrated from Europe to Australia 10 years ago the same happened again and today everybody wants to live in Oz too. I guess in the end, most people never go for their dreams, they wish but they never take action and so they get angry, disappointed and sometimes even feel resentment because others do what they never did.
Like Mike Peach, I really don’t worry about the naysayers anymore. I’m on this earth to live life to the fullest and that involves traveling as much as possible. :-)
@Patty – Great point you made; although the questions and doubts of others can be frustrating sometimes, they can also be extremely useful to ensure you have everything as well planned and thought out as you thought you did! Personally, we only gave our family a couple of months – it worked well because there was simply no question it wouldn’t happen, it just took some a bit longer than others to get used to the idea. Too long and it’s then a shock when you actually leave; not long enough and people feel resentment. Although you could take the view that how others feel is ultimately their responsibility and not yours ;-)
@Dea- some very good tips and tactics you’ve shared there. Good luck and here’s to a whole new group of friends who fully support you and your dreams…
@Mike – I know what you mean about getting bored after a few weeks!!! Fortunately a few of my family have always lived overseas and I’ve done a fair bit of travelling already; it’s different for Jonathan though and his family are much more home-bods than mine.
@Monika – hear hear!!